Common challenges on the spectrum: Holiday edition

Autism is an adventure. Sometimes the adventure is discovering a new food we never thought we’d love. Sometimes the adventure is an absolute meltdown at the sound of crinkling paper. Usually, the adventure is discovery. 

The holidays are…a time. There are so many emotions tied up in this time of year. For some families, it’s a time of light, hope, and togetherness. For some, it’s just another time of the year; just a little colder, a little more decorated. And for others, the holidays are really hard; for those grieving lost loved ones, or healing from a hard past, or navigating stressful life events. Things, for the most part, are heightened for a lot of people.

To the neurotypical person, the changes for the holiday are fairly passive. It’s different music, different lights, more family and friends, maybe traditional foods we don’t eat the rest of the year (I’m looking at you, cranberry sauce). We wear silly sweaters and give presents. It’s just another flavor of season.

To a neurodivergent person, the holidays can present a lot of challenges. A person with autism thrives in routine, and disruptions, even fun or meaningful ones, can be stressful.

Here are some things to keep in mind to support your autistic loved ones this holiday season!

Keep an eye out for sensory overload. Homes crowded with loved ones may bring out your jolliest self, but they’re a hot, loud, cramped mess for someone who’s used to a more calm environment. Christmas lights can be too bright and holiday music can be too loud and unusual food can be too stimulating. Silly sweaters can be itchy. Make sure your autistic friends have a familiar, calm space to go exist for a while. A cool room with dim lights, favorite sensory items, and comfy places to rest should do it. 

Speaking of food, atypical foods can be a trigger. Turkey or ham might be your jam, but your kid who subsists on chicken isn’t going to feel the same way about it that you do. While we always want to encourage participating in family traditions and trying new things, make sure you have a stock of their safe foods, too.

Communication during the holidays can be hard for even the most eloquent speaker. I don’t do well with my uncle who is constantly bringing up politics, either. 

Like, jeez Uncle Bert, can we just talk about how your orchids are doing? I just want to hang out with you and bond over these mashed potatoes.

Sorry, what was I saying?

Oh, communication. You know your extended family and friends, but maybe your loved one with autism doesn’t! And even if they do, there’s something to be said about knowing someone on a daily or weekly basis versus seeing them once a year. Conversations are just different. Your learner with an AAC or sign language might have trouble communicating with unfamiliar people! This can make things hard. Make sure your learner has their preferred method of communication on them at all times, help bridge the gap so they’re understood by unfamiliar people, and prime them by practicing typical holiday small talk before the pressure sets in.

(“Uncle Bert, how are your orchids doing? No, I didn’t see that meme. Please, Uncle Bert, I’m having such a good time with this gravy. Please join me. Please put down your phone and talk to me about watering schedules. I’ll do anything. I’ll give you my share of the mashed potatoes. Really, anything.”)

The other side of this is the increased social expectations. Long religious services, for example, are hard for even the most patient kid. Talking to your weird cousin who smells like bandaids, waiting longer times for stuff, having to engage in social niceties much more often (your 34th “thank you” of the day feels pretty rote), and dealing with weather changes in general can really goof up a person’s sense of calm. While the expectations of others are their own pressure, and we’ll get to that later, even wanting  to be part of all the fun can be stressful. Give your autistic loved one grace, and make sure you make it explicit. Tell them. Tell them you know it’s hard, you will help any way you can, and that you are there for them in whatever way they need.

And finally, the dreaded meltdown. Not just dreaded by others! They aren’t any fun for autistic people to experience either. Can you imagine feeling that terrible, that you feel like your only option is to unravel? Every piece of advice from the previous points counts especially for this: give them a safe, sensory-friendly place to calm down, make sure they are and feel safe, and help them get back to the business of living as soon as they are ready. If that means getting back to the family fun, that’s what it means. If that means spending the rest of the day curled up in bed recovering, that’s what it means, too. We hold space for every experience.  

And remember, sensory needs are just as important as hunger, thirst, or love; we support autistic people in getting their needs met. There should be no shame or judgment in it, and if you have family or friends that want to give that out, we think it’s fair to let them know they don’t have to be a part of the celebration next year.

Happiest holidays!

Tell my uncle my favorite orchid is the white one with the purple dots. I just think it has moxy.