Etiquette For Interacting With People With Disabilities
People come in lots of flavors. It’s normal to be unsure when you encounter a flavor you’ve never come across before. I, for one, have said some fantastically embarrassing things when a Mormon friend of mine brought me to his church. I’ll leave it to your imagination. Just know that I received a lecture from him after the service.
Things can get confusing. For example, many providers are educated that person-first language is the move (a “person with disabilities”). However, many activists and advocates are much more about identity-first language (a “disabled person”), citing that a person’s lived experience is inextricable from their disability, and it is a key piece of who they are as a person. Whenever possible, we try to err on the side of whatever a given person prefers. I’ll be switching between both throughout this post to honor (or, perhaps, accidentally insult) both.
Here’s a helpful guide with universal etiquette rules that you can use any time you get to hang out with a person with disabilities (or disabled person, if that’s your vibe):
Do not lean on a person’s aid devices. Do not touch these devices without their permission. This equipment (wheelchairs, scooters, crutches, walkers, canes, etc) is part of their personal space and sometimes an extension of their own body. Respect their space.
Do not ever move a person in a wheelchair without their explicit permission or unless there is an emergency. If they don’t see the burning truck barreling toward them, but you do, I strongly encourage you to get them out of harm’s way first and explain yourself / apologize later (I watched Final Destination 2 last night). But if you need them to move out of your way so you can reach something on a shelf at the grocery store, do the polite thing and simply say “excuse me,” and wait for them to move as you would any other person. Unless you’re one of those people who just shoves in front of others without saying a word…in that case, question your whole life.
Speak to the person directly; not their companion. Whatever someone looks like, talk to them first. Don’t talk over them. Don’t ask whoever they’re with what they want first. Give them the chance to talk for themselves. They’ll ask for help if they need it, or their companion will provide it.
When you speak to a person with a disability, use your normal voice. Avoid “baby talk.” You’re a person talking to another person. Phrases like “the mind of a 2 year old” when talking about a grown adult are infantilizing. You wouldn’t talk to the cashier like they were a toddler, don’t do it a disabled person.
If you offer help, wait for them to accept. Don’t just go ahead with how you want to help. Don’t make assumptions about other people. Whenever possible, wait for instructions from that person about how you can help. And if they say no, accept that. No means no.
If you see a person having a meltdown in public, continue about your business. Don’t stare. And if you see other people staring, redirect them politely. Definitely don’t record on your phone. This is a hard time for that person. Don’t do them the cruel disservice of making it harder.
To get the attention of a Deaf person, tap them on the shoulder or wave your hand. Yelling won’t do anything. I promise.
If someone’s speech is slow, different, or hard to understand, just listen attentively. Don’t try to speak for them, correct them, or pretend you understand when you don’t. Ask short clarifying questions that require yes/no answers, repeat what you understood to check, and allow them to respond.
Don’t pat a person you are just meeting for the first time on the head or shoulder. Show the same respect you would while meeting any person. They’re not a dog. Just say hi. Shake their hand, despite appearances. I have a friend with no hands who extends their arm to shake when they meet new people; be natural, shake your greeting, and keep it moving.
When meeting a visually impaired person, identify yourself and who you are with. In group settings, name the person you’re speaking to. Inform the person with the visual impairment when you leave the room. If they have a guide dog, don’t pet, feed, or otherwise distract it. They’re at work, and the job they’re doing is important.
These are just some suggestions in a whole litany of options for interacting with disabled people. This list is by no means exhaustive. These are just some things to keep in mind while you’re doing the life thing with other people who are different from you.
As always, get out there and do good.
